When I really need to put someone in their place I tell them my second toe is longer than their thumb.
Now and again I read through these thoughts and laugh out loud. Analytics confirm I’m the only one.
A McGriddle pairs pancakes and cheese. WTF?
I thought my son learning a gross motor skill would be him wiping his own butt, for example.
To the salesperson who, when I ask if the store carries paper clips, starts looking for paper clips—you’re a dummy.
To the salesperson who, when I call and ask if something is in stock, says, “No, but we can order it and send it to your house.”—you’re a dummy.
For what I paid for this Pottery Barn table I expected a 40-piece ratchet set in the box. Instead, I’m supposed to assemble it with the enclosed tinfoil wrench.
Having ice water in your veins is good but being cold blooded is bad.
Is it that Nelly’s Air Force Ones is loosely based on what The Very Hungry Caterpillar ate on Tuesday?
I ordered a knife block in-store today. The woman who entered my shipping information did so in all lowercase letters, right in front of me. Has she no shame?
It’s quite possible my son’s first painting is hung upside down. It’s hard to tell and hard for him to tell me.
Fast food restaurants build in two drive-through windows for the sole purpose of not using one.
Want to sound intelligent? Use the word economy once a day, any context will do.
Everyone laments their hobby is expensive.
We use our Vitamix all the time—to make margaritas.
Half the time we spend in our home is night time, yet we don’t get to experience homes at night before we buy.
People often say, “he really stepped up to the plate.” But stepping up to the plate is no accomplishment at all.
Robocalls from my area code are out of control.
My previous thought required the use of Google as a verb, which I knew was a thing. But I wondered about capitalization, so I googled if Google was capitalized when used as a verb. It is not!
My previous thought referenced a scratch ticket, which first I wrote as scratch-off ticket. Then I googled to makes sure my hyphen was correct and found that the Texas Lottery calls them scratch tickets. Who knew?
If winning a dollar on a scratch ticket is considered winning the lottery, which it is, then I’ve won the lottery several times.
Sometime I can’t tell if I’m smarter than the average bear or just a bear digging around in a trashcan.
Stick your fork in the cream filling and fully submerge the Oreo in the milk, mess free.
Six months ago we moved into a new house near an airport. Planes fly over all day. I can’t remember when I heard one last, my mind has tuned them out. Wild!
Reviews for new televisions are overwhelmingly positive, more so than most other products. This is because people won’t admit they bought a shit television.
Why do new electronics come with generic-brand batteries? You would think by now Duracell would ship with every new Samsung TV remote.
This simple life hack will make you feel better—back your car into the parking space/driveway/garage. Try it.
Overhead lights are an enemy of the people.
Some men sit on big leather wallets.
Daylight saving time starts in a few days, so the clock in my truck will be right again.
My wife is reading a book about finance, I’m writing dumb things on a page that nobody reads.
In elementary school we buried a time capsule somewhere on campus. I wonder if it's been opened. It’s probably full of boring things.
I’ve tweeted over 1,000 times. There’s only a few that are worth keeping. In 2012 I wrote “Eventually, Olympic commentators will run out of ways to sensationalize not drowning.”
You know you’re getting old when next week’s SNL host is someone you’ve never heard of.
People in prescription drug commercials are living their lives to the fullest.
To work on The Food Network you have to be able to say, “It’s spicy, but not too spicy.” Replace spicy with the adjective of your choice.
Glenn Close is the pirate Captain Hook put in the Boo Box. I know, it boo my mind too.
I have this idea for a short film. I’m running from a monster. I make it to my car with seconds to spare but can’t drive off because my wife has the seat too far forward. I press the button, the seat starts to moves back (zzzzzzzzzzz)—I’m eaten.
The 38th season of Survivor starts tonight.
How is it that every reality show competitor, when given an amount of time to complete a task, finishes with only seconds to spare? No one has ever finished even a minute early.
Does anyone else use Marie Kondo as a verb? As in, this weekend we should Marie Kondo the laundry room.
I use an abundance of italics and em dashes—the italics so that it reads like I’d say it, and the dashes because they’re neato.
With all the advancements in technology you’d think car manufacturers could figure out how to make objects in the mirror as close as they appear.
I had an idea to use augmented reality to stage an empty home for sale. The experience would be sponsored by West Elm, for example. All the furniture and decor would be brand name. I Googled it, it exists. That’s always the case.
Do vultures scavenge vultures?
Why isn’t the Westminster Dog Show as popular as the Super Bowl? Must be the handlers.
Musculature is a word used now and again.
Award shows should go on as long as winners want to speak.
I have an idea for a blog inspired by Humans of New York, but instead I write down what I think about strangers from a distance.
They’ll tell you every dog breed needs exercise, but they trippin’.
I like pasta as much as the next guy, but I’m only into tasteful noods.
I once pondered that a spike in traffic would be a bad thing.
Even fans of super heroes have to be tired of super hero movies, right?
The Super Bowl is the most anticlimactic championship game in sports.
My favorite Super Bowl commercial is always the one that advertises The Masters.
It’s a shame that tribute albums have to be performed by current artists.
I want to make everyone happy, so I go ahead and say Graphics Interchange Format.
If I share a GIF that someone shared with me, am I a re-GIF-er?
Adjective and objective should be pronounced the same. But which way?
I don’t covet my neighbor’s anything but when 80% of the country is blanketed in a polar vortex, I’m jealous.
When I nap I fall asleep immediately, no matter my contortion. At night I fall asleep only after a 20-minute, choreographed routine, which, you would think by now I could do in my sleep.
If your doctor is younger than you, you’re old. Get an older doctor and you’ll be young again.
One bag of trash can smell quite different than another. But all trash trucks smell the same. It’s like when you mix all the colors together and get brown—every time, brown.
Does anything use a C battery?
A recipe calls for two garlic cloves, but how much is that? The size of a garlic clove can vary quite substantially. It’s maddening!
Kathryn and I would be good at Jeopardy if it weren’t for questions about authors, poets, composers, politicians, geography, science, and history, among other categories.
Relative to the average amount of time a person thinks about a carnival game, I think about Roller Bowler a lot.
A person immune to the consequences of his/her vice has it good.
Handheld vacuums are made to suck up red pepper flakes.
Chicken thighs are in.
The appetizer should come to the table well before the entrée. A lot of places get this wrong.
Today is my birthday, I am 34. I’ve been driving now for 18 years. I’ve never been pulled over—not once. When the day comes, I will inform the lawman of my record in a plea for leniency. And I hope it plays out on Live PD so my parents can see me on TV.
Going to sleep at 9:00 pm I hope never occurs to me.
There’s not much worse that waiting to get a haircut.
I was taught to use a comma any place I’d naturally pause when speaking.
If I were uber wealthy, it’s likely I would buy something online each night before bed—a noise-cancelling dog kennel, for example.
“You guys” seems to be an acceptable way to address any group of people.
A lot of people don’t like to hear or say the word moist. I feel that way about the word pajamas.
The deranged behavior of primetime TV gameshow contestants assures me the shows are fake.
“Alexa, pull yourself together.”
This home automation technology is so much more expensive and complicated than The Clapper.
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have the best seats at the award shows worth attending.
Today I thought of my birthday Daily, 11 days in advance.
I often tell my wife she’s the bosst, which means she’s both the best and the boss. There’s no record of it on Google, so I made up a word.
Death to “hold my beer” memes.
Broccamole is a thing.
If I like something you post on social media, I’ve likely had a few drinks.
It’s not seven degrees of separation, it’s just one. Pretty much everyone has met Santa Claus.
There’s no doubt about it, the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going and going.
The ability to talk excitedly about meaningless nonsense is a trait found in many successful people.
When I’m asked by a new technology to import my contacts, I shutter. My contacts are in disarray. Brandon, for example, doesn’t even have an email address on file.
Squall Line would be the name of my band, because it’s cool, and it’s a band of showers.
Pat Sajak could sign a letter with his initials and the reader might think he forgot the postscript.
I love the rain because it will forever mean no baseball practice.
No more Christmas songs, please—no more originals, no more covers.
Being born in 1975 seems just about right.
Getting stuff and getting rid of stuff are equally satisfying.
Ice is best served cold.
You’re sliding your scissors through the wrapping paper like butter, and it tears. And life just isn’t the same after that.
I watched my neighbor’s yardmen blow leaves onto someone else’s lawn. That’s messed up.
If I could choose any candy bar to eat fresh off the factory floor, I’d choose Twix. Even if it were literally on the factory floor.
Writing “hour and a half” feels cumbersome, yet writing “1.5 hours” is even less satisfying. It’s a lose-lose.
My previous thought took me 45 minutes to write. And bazillion is a word, I did not know that.
I had barbecue for dinner. My sandwich came with what seemed like half an onion on the side. This place probably served two dozen onions today, easy. And the joint down the street sliced up another two dozen. The French restaurant across town? More onions. That place in Prescott, Arizona? Onions.
A bazillion onions are gone now, in just one day. How can it be that there will be onions tomorrow? Or steaks, or pasta, or tortillas?
It’s hard to believe there are people I went to high school with that are still in school.
I’ve been working on a new blog post, in my head, for six months.
The greatest Christmas lyric? “He threw a present really hard, that almost hit Mom's new boyfriend Ray.”
I use a thesaurus nearly every day.
I don’t know the amount of work that goes into designing a typeface, but charging hundreds of dollars for a single license seems pretentious.
Words to be banned: epic, unicorn, rockstar.
This daily brought to you by my wife—you know you’re a control freak when you won’t let the learning thermostat learn, because it might do something without your knowledge.
I hate the “fail fast” philosophy.
My wife’s weather app chimes when it’s about to rain. It makes me so damn happy.
On a number of occasions I’ve stood behind a woman who spends a good 15 seconds digging for her credit card only after the cashier has scanned $150 worth of groceries. I guess she spends that time thinking she could be the millionth customer and everything will be free.
Brad Paisley should stick to instrumentals.
Is there anything better than a fiddle?
There’s a certain inspiration that comes with travel, to come home better in some way—better husband, father, friend, coworker. It’s fleeting. I’d love to bottle it up and use as needed.
One of the most uncomfortable situations in life is listening to a song someone plays for me, wanting so badly for me to like it.
Everything must be maintained.
I often type a sentence and then find I’ve left out a word entirely. I thought it, but didn’t write it.
A woman waved at her daughter without pause as she made her way through airport security. It took 20 minutes.
It’s cringeworthy to take a perfectly packed suitcase and turn it up on it’s wheels.
Contestants on The Voice can’t be that good because they’re never heard from again.
The more Christmas lights you put up, the more Christmas lights you put up.
Right up there with the wheel, the airplane, and the internet, is the paper towel.
Survivor continues to be one of, if not the best show on television.
Thanksgiving is the one day of the year Americans acknowledge they’re full and still eating.
My infant son can’t hide his love for mashed potatoes, I can see it all over his face.
Perhaps you float up out of your body shortly before your death, to spare you any suffering.
If I were a doll or toy on the train, I’d get off and walk over the mountain, to lighten the load. It’s the least I could do for The Little Engine That Could.
Companies are making new energy-efficient light bulbs that look like old-school, incandescent bulbs. This is because everyone has caught on to the fact that CFL light bulbs are dumb.
IKEA, an oversized grocery bag on wheels does not a shopping cart make. Give me a proper basket or give me death.
I have at least one curious thought a day. I will document them—interesting, obtuse, things I know, things I don’t. It’s likely I won’t keep up, or will delete this page in a month.