Jan 16 · 2019
Today is my birthday, I am 34. I’ve been driving now for 18 years. I’ve never been pulled over—not once. When the day comes, I will inform the lawman of my record in a plea for leniency. And I hope it plays out on Live PD so my parents can see me on TV.
Jan 15 · 2019
Going to sleep at 9:00 pm I hope never occurs to me.
Jan 14 · 2019
There’s not much worse that waiting to get a haircut.
Jan 13 · 2019
I was taught to use a comma any place I’d naturally pause when speaking.
Jan 12 · 2019
If I were uber wealthy, it’s likely I would buy something online each night before bed—a noise-cancelling dog kennel, for example.
Jan 11 · 2019
“You guys” seems to be an acceptable way to address any group of people.
Jan 10 · 2019
A lot of people don’t like to hear or say the word moist. I feel that way about the word pajamas.
Jan 09 · 2019
The deranged behavior of primetime TV gameshow contestants assures me the shows are fake.
Jan 08 · 2019
“Alexa, pull yourself together.”
Jan 07 · 2019
This home automation techonology is so much more expensive and complicated than The Clapper.
Jan 06 · 2019
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have the best seats at the award shows worth attending.
Jan 05 · 2019
Today I thought of my birthday Daily, 11 days in advance.
Jan 04 · 2019
I often tell my wife she’s the bosst, which means she’s both the best and the boss. There’s no record of it on Google, so I made up a word.
Jan 03 · 2019
Death to “hold my beer” memes.
Jan 02 · 2019
Broccamole is a thing.
Jan 01 · 2019
If I like something you post on social media, I’ve likely had a few drinks.
Dec 31 · 2018
It’s not seven degrees of separation, it’s just one. Pretty much everyone has met Santa Claus.
Dec 30 · 2018
There’s no doubt about it, the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going and going.
Dec 29 · 2018
The ability to talk excitedly about meaningless nonsense is a trait found in many successful people.
Dec 28 · 2018
When I’m asked by a new technology to import my contacts, I shutter. My contacts are in disarray. Brandon, for example, doesn’t even have an email address on file.
Dec 27 · 2018
Squall Line would be the name of my band, because it’s cool, and it’s a band of showers.
Dec 26 · 2018
Pat Sajak could sign a letter with his initials and the reader might think he forgot the postscript.
Dec 25 · 2018
I love the rain because it will forever mean no baseball practice.
Dec 24 · 2018
No more Christmas songs, please—no more originals, no more covers.
Dec 23 · 2018
Being born in 1975 seems just about right.
Dec 22 · 2018
Getting stuff and getting rid of stuff are equally satisfying.
Dec 21 · 2018
Ice is best served cold.
Dec 20 · 2018
You’re sliding your scissors through the wrapping paper like butter, and it tears. And life just isn’t the same after that.
Dec 19 · 2018
I watched my neighbor’s yardmen blow leaves onto someone else’s lawn. That’s messed up.
Dec 18 · 2018
If I could choose any candy bar to eat fresh off the factory floor, I’d choose Twix. Even if it were literally on the factory floor.
Dec 17 · 2018
Writing “hour and a half” feels cumbersome, yet writing “1.5 hours” is even less satisfying. It’s a lose-lose.
Dec 16 · 2018
Yesterday’s Daily took me 45 minutes to write. And bazillion is a word, I did not know that.
Dec 15 · 2018
I had barbecue for dinner. My sandwich came with what seemed like half an onion on the side. This place probably served two dozen onions today, easy. And the joint down the street sliced up another two dozen. The French restaurant across town? More onions. That place in Prescott, Arizona? Onions.
A bazillion onions are gone now, in just one day. How can it be that there will be onions tomorrow? Or steaks, or pasta, or tortillas?
Dec 14 · 2018
It’s hard to believe there are people I went to high school with that are still in school.
Dec 13 · 2018
I’ve been working on a new blog post, in my head, for six months.
Dec 12 · 2018
The greatest Christmas lyric? “He threw a present really hard,
that almost hit Mom's new boyfriend Ray.”
Dec 11 · 2018
I use a thesaurus nearly every day.
Dec 10 · 2018
I don’t know the amount of work that goes into designing a typeface, but charging hundreds of dollars for a single license seems pretentious.
Dec 09 · 2018
Words to be banned: epic, unicorn, rockstar.
Dec 08 · 2018
This daily brought to you by my wife—you know you’re a control freak when you won’t let the learning thermostat learn, because it might do something without your knowledge.
Dec 07 · 2018
I hate the “fail fast” philosophy.
Dec 06 · 2018
My wife’s weather app chimes when it’s about to rain. It makes me so damn happy.
Dec 05 · 2018
On a number of occasions I’ve stood behind a woman who spends a good 15 seconds digging for her credit card only after the cashier has scanned $150 worth of groceries. I guess she spends that time thinking she could be the millionth customer and everything will be free.
Dec 04 · 2018
Brad Paisley should stick to instrumentals.
Dec 03 · 2018
Is there anything better than a fiddle?
Dec 02 · 2018
There’s a certain inspiration that comes with travel, to come home better in some way—better husband, father, friend, coworker. It’s fleeting. I’d love to bottle it up and use as needed.
Dec 01 · 2018
One of the most uncomfortable situations in life is listening to a song someone plays for me, wanting so badly for me to like it.
Nov 30 · 2018
Everything must be maintained.
Nov 29 · 2018
I often type a sentence and then find I’ve left out a word entirely. I thought it, but didn’t write it.
Nov 28 · 2018
A woman waved at her daughter without pause as she made her way through airport security. It took 20 minutes.
Nov 27 · 2018
It’s cringeworthy to take a perfectly packed suitcase and turn it up on it’s wheels.
Nov 26 · 2018
Contestants on The Voice can’t be that good because they’re never heard from again.
Nov 25 · 2018
The more Christmas lights you put up, the more Christmas lights you put up.
Nov 24 · 2018
Right up there with the wheel, the airplane, and the internet, is the paper towel.
Nov 23 · 2018
Survivor continues to be one of, if not the best show on television.
Nov 22 · 2018
Thanksgiving is the one day of the year Americans acknowledge they’re full and still eating.
Nov 21 · 2018
My infant son can’t hide his love for mashed potatoes, I can see it all over his face.
Nov 20 · 2018
Perhaps you float up out of your body shortly before your death, to spare you any suffering.
Nov 19 · 2018
If I were a doll or toy on the train, I’d get off and walk over the mountain, to lighten the load. It’s the least I could do for The Little Engine That Could.
Nov 18 · 2018
Companies are making new energy-efficient light bulbs that look like old-school, incandescent bulbs. This is because everyone has caught on to the fact that CFL light bulbs are dumb.
Nov 17 · 2018
IKEA, an oversized grocery bag on wheels does not a shopping cart make. Give me a proper basket or give me death.
Nov 16 · 2018
I have at least one curious thought a day. I will document them—interesting, obtuse, things I know, things I don’t. It’s likely I won’t keep up, or will delete this page in a month.