Mar 10 · 2019
Mar 09 · 2019
Mar 08 · 2019
Mar 07 · 2019
Mar 06 · 2019
Mar 05 · 2019
This simple life hack will make you feel better—back your car into the parking space/driveway/garage. Try it.
Mar 04 · 2019
Overhead lights are an enemy of the people.
Mar 03 · 2019
Here’s how my creative brain works—I will have a Daily written for every day since I started, or I will delete everything.
Mar 02 · 2019
Some men sit on big leather wallets.
Mar 01 · 2019
Daylight saving time starts in a few days, so the clock in my truck will be right again.
Feb 28 · 2019
My wife is reading a book about finance, I’m writing dumb things on a page that nobody reads.
Feb 27 · 2019
In elementary school we buried a time capsule somewhere on campus. I wonder if it's been opened. It’s probably full of boring things.
Feb 26 · 2019
I’ve tweeted over 1,000 times. There’s only a few that are worth keeping. In 2012 I wrote “Eventually, Olympic commentators will run out of ways to sensationalize ‘not drowning.’”
Feb 25 · 2019
You know you’re getting old when next week’s SNL host is someone you’ve never heard of.
Feb 24 · 2019
People in prescription drug commercials are living their lives to the fullest.
Feb 23 · 2019
To work on The Food Network you have to be able to say, “It’s spicy, but not too spicy.” Replace spicy with the adjective of your choice.
Feb 22 · 2019
Glenn Close is the pirate Captain Hook put in the Boo Box.
Feb 21 · 2019
I have this idea for a short film. I’m running from a monster. I make it to my car with seconds to spare but can’t drive off because my wife has the seat too far forward. I press the button, the seat starts to moves back (zzzzzzzzzzz)—I’m eaten.
Feb 20 · 2019
The 38th season of Survivor starts tonight.
Feb 19 · 2019
How is it that every reality show competitor, when given an amount of time to complete a task, finishes with only seconds to spare? No one has ever finished even a minute early.
Feb 18 · 2019
Does anyone else use Marie Kondo as a verb? As in, this weekend we should Marie Kondo the laundry room.
Feb 17 · 2019
I use an abundance of italics and em dashes—the italics so that it reads like I’d say it, and the dashes because they’re neato.
Feb 16 · 2019
Three months of Dailies in the books, or on the page in this case.
Feb 15 · 2019
With all the advancements in technology you’d think car manufacturers could figure out how to make objects in the mirror as close as they appear.
Feb 14 · 2019
I had an idea to use augmented reality to stage an empty home for sale. The experience would be sponsored by West Elm, for example. All the furniture and decor would be brand name. I Googled it, it exists. That’s always the case.
Feb 13 · 2019
Do vultures scavenge vultures?
Feb 12 · 2019
Why isn’t the Westminster Dog Show as popular as the Super Bowl? Must be the handlers.
Feb 11 · 2019
Musculature is a word used now and again.
Feb 10 · 2019
Award shows should go on as long as winners want to speak.
Feb 09 · 2019
When I’m four or five days behind on my Dailies, I pour a bottle of wine and write.
Feb 08 · 2019
I have an idea for a blog inspired by Humans of New York, but instead I write down what I think about strangers from a distance.
Feb 07 · 2019
They’ll tell you every dog breed needs exercise, but they trippin’.
Feb 06 · 2019
I like pasta as much as the next guy, but I’m only into tasteful noods.
Feb 05 · 2019
I once wrote that a spike in traffic would be a bad thing.
Feb 04 · 2019
Even fans of super heroes have to be tired of super hero movies, right?
Feb 03 · 2019
The Super Bowl is the most anticlimactic championship game in sports.
Feb 02 · 2019
My favorite Super Bowl commercial is always the one that advertises The Masters.
Feb 01 · 2019
It’s a shame that tribute albums have to be performed by current artists.
Jan 31 · 2019
I want to make everyone happy, so I go ahead and say Graphics Interchange Format.
Jan 30 · 2019
If I share a GIF that someone shared with me, am I a re-GIF-er?
Jan 29 · 2019
Adjective and objective should be pronounced the same. But which way?
Jan 28 · 2019
I don’t covet my neighbor’s anything but when 80% of the country is blanketed in a polar vortex, I’m jealous.
Jan 27 · 2019
When I nap I fall asleep immediately, no matter my contortion. At night I fall asleep only after a 20-minute, choreographed routine, which, you would think by now I could do in my sleep.
Jan 26 · 2019
If your doctor is younger than you, you’re old. Get an older doctor and you’ll be young again.
Jan 25 · 2019
One bag of trash can smell quite different than another. But all trash trucks smell the same. It’s like when you mix all the colors together and get brown—every time, brown.
Jan 24 · 2019
Does anything use a C battery?
Jan 23 · 2019
A recipe calls for two garlic cloves, but how much is that? The size of a garlic clove can vary quite substantially. It’s maddening!
Jan 22 · 2019
Kathryn and I would be good at Jeopardy if it weren’t for questions about authors, poets, composers, politicians, geography, science, and history, among other categories.
Jan 21 · 2019
Relative to the average amount of time a person thinks about a carnival game, I think about Roller Bowler a lot.
Jan 20 · 2019
A person immune to the consequences of his/her vice has it good.
Jan 19 · 2019
Handheld vacuums are made to suck up red pepper flakes.
Jan 18 · 2019
Chicken thighs are in.
Jan 17 · 2019
The appetizer should come to the table well before the entrée. A lot of places get this wrong.
Jan 16 · 2019
Today is my birthday, I am 34. I’ve been driving now for 18 years. I’ve never been pulled over—not once. When the day comes, I will inform the lawman of my record in a plea for leniency. And I hope it plays out on Live PD so my parents can see me on TV.
Jan 15 · 2019
Going to sleep at 9:00 pm I hope never occurs to me.
Jan 14 · 2019
There’s not much worse that waiting to get a haircut.
Jan 13 · 2019
I was taught to use a comma any place I’d naturally pause when speaking.
Jan 12 · 2019
If I were uber wealthy, it’s likely I would buy something online each night before bed—a noise-cancelling dog kennel, for example.
Jan 11 · 2019
“You guys” seems to be an acceptable way to address any group of people.
Jan 10 · 2019
A lot of people don’t like to hear or say the word moist. I feel that way about the word pajamas.
Jan 09 · 2019
The deranged behavior of primetime TV gameshow contestants assures me the shows are fake.
Jan 08 · 2019
“Alexa, pull yourself together.”
Jan 07 · 2019
This home automation techonology is so much more expensive and complicated than The Clapper.
Jan 06 · 2019
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have the best seats at the award shows worth attending.
Jan 05 · 2019
Today I thought of my birthday Daily, 11 days in advance.
Jan 04 · 2019
I often tell my wife she’s the bosst, which means she’s both the best and the boss. There’s no record of it on Google, so I made up a word.
Jan 03 · 2019
Death to “hold my beer” memes.
Jan 02 · 2019
Broccamole is a thing.
Jan 01 · 2019
If I like something you post on social media, I’ve likely had a few drinks.
Dec 31 · 2018
It’s not seven degrees of separation, it’s just one. Pretty much everyone has met Santa Claus.
Dec 30 · 2018
There’s no doubt about it, the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going and going.
Dec 29 · 2018
The ability to talk excitedly about meaningless nonsense is a trait found in many successful people.
Dec 28 · 2018
When I’m asked by a new technology to import my contacts, I shutter. My contacts are in disarray. Brandon, for example, doesn’t even have an email address on file.
Dec 27 · 2018
Squall Line would be the name of my band, because it’s cool, and it’s a band of showers.
Dec 26 · 2018
Pat Sajak could sign a letter with his initials and the reader might think he forgot the postscript.
Dec 25 · 2018
I love the rain because it will forever mean no baseball practice.
Dec 24 · 2018
No more Christmas songs, please—no more originals, no more covers.
Dec 23 · 2018
Being born in 1975 seems just about right.
Dec 22 · 2018
Getting stuff and getting rid of stuff are equally satisfying.
Dec 21 · 2018
Ice is best served cold.
Dec 20 · 2018
You’re sliding your scissors through the wrapping paper like butter, and it tears. And life just isn’t the same after that.
Dec 19 · 2018
I watched my neighbor’s yardmen blow leaves onto someone else’s lawn. That’s messed up.
Dec 18 · 2018
If I could choose any candy bar to eat fresh off the factory floor, I’d choose Twix. Even if it were literally on the factory floor.
Dec 17 · 2018
Writing “hour and a half” feels cumbersome, yet writing “1.5 hours” is even less satisfying. It’s a lose-lose.
Dec 16 · 2018
Yesterday’s Daily took me 45 minutes to write. And bazillion is a word, I did not know that.
Dec 15 · 2018
I had barbecue for dinner. My sandwich came with what seemed like half an onion on the side. This place probably served two dozen onions today, easy. And the joint down the street sliced up another two dozen. The French restaurant across town? More onions. That place in Prescott, Arizona? Onions.
A bazillion onions are gone now, in just one day. How can it be that there will be onions tomorrow? Or steaks, or pasta, or tortillas?
Dec 14 · 2018
It’s hard to believe there are people I went to high school with that are still in school.
Dec 13 · 2018
I’ve been working on a new blog post, in my head, for six months.
Dec 12 · 2018
The greatest Christmas lyric? “He threw a present really hard,
that almost hit Mom's new boyfriend Ray.”
Dec 11 · 2018
I use a thesaurus nearly every day.
Dec 10 · 2018
I don’t know the amount of work that goes into designing a typeface, but charging hundreds of dollars for a single license seems pretentious.
Dec 09 · 2018
Words to be banned: epic, unicorn, rockstar.
Dec 08 · 2018
This daily brought to you by my wife—you know you’re a control freak when you won’t let the learning thermostat learn, because it might do something without your knowledge.
Dec 07 · 2018
I hate the “fail fast” philosophy.
Dec 06 · 2018
My wife’s weather app chimes when it’s about to rain. It makes me so damn happy.
Dec 05 · 2018
On a number of occasions I’ve stood behind a woman who spends a good 15 seconds digging for her credit card only after the cashier has scanned $150 worth of groceries. I guess she spends that time thinking she could be the millionth customer and everything will be free.
Dec 04 · 2018
Brad Paisley should stick to instrumentals.
Dec 03 · 2018
Is there anything better than a fiddle?
Dec 02 · 2018
There’s a certain inspiration that comes with travel, to come home better in some way—better husband, father, friend, coworker. It’s fleeting. I’d love to bottle it up and use as needed.
Dec 01 · 2018
One of the most uncomfortable situations in life is listening to a song someone plays for me, wanting so badly for me to like it.
Nov 30 · 2018
Everything must be maintained.
Nov 29 · 2018
I often type a sentence and then find I’ve left out a word entirely. I thought it, but didn’t write it.
Nov 28 · 2018
A woman waved at her daughter without pause as she made her way through airport security. It took 20 minutes.
Nov 27 · 2018
It’s cringeworthy to take a perfectly packed suitcase and turn it up on it’s wheels.
Nov 26 · 2018
Contestants on The Voice can’t be that good because they’re never heard from again.
Nov 25 · 2018
The more Christmas lights you put up, the more Christmas lights you put up.
Nov 24 · 2018
Right up there with the wheel, the airplane, and the internet, is the paper towel.
Nov 23 · 2018
Survivor continues to be one of, if not the best show on television.
Nov 22 · 2018
Thanksgiving is the one day of the year Americans acknowledge they’re full and still eating.
Nov 21 · 2018
My infant son can’t hide his love for mashed potatoes, I can see it all over his face.
Nov 20 · 2018
Perhaps you float up out of your body shortly before your death, to spare you any suffering.
Nov 19 · 2018
If I were a doll or toy on the train, I’d get off and walk over the mountain, to lighten the load. It’s the least I could do for The Little Engine That Could.
Nov 18 · 2018
Companies are making new energy-efficient light bulbs that look like old-school, incandescent bulbs. This is because everyone has caught on to the fact that CFL light bulbs are dumb.
Nov 17 · 2018
IKEA, an oversized grocery bag on wheels does not a shopping cart make. Give me a proper basket or give me death.
Nov 16 · 2018
I have at least one curious thought a day. I will document them—interesting, obtuse, things I know, things I don’t. It’s likely I won’t keep up, or will delete this page in a month.